Andrew Goes to Church
I went to my nephew's dedication
yesterday.
I had debated with myself for over two weeks about
going. Firstly, I thought you only dedicated buildings, love songs, and boxing
matches... not children; something seems wrong with that. What's more, I'm not
in any way, shape, or form a believer.
I
can already hear my computer: *Ding* You've got hate mail. Well the hell with
it: it's my blog so I'll write what I want. I certainly hope I don't alienate
any of the faithful, though. Know off the bat that as far as I'm concerned,
you've got your beliefs, I've got mine, and that's all cool and groovy with me.
I'm not out to change anyone's mind about
anything...
... but I seem to have to
face religion (specifically Christianity) up in Canada far more than I ever did
in the states. I initially thought that it had to do with my new proximity to
my in-laws: my mother-in-law is in the "inner sanctum" of her church (don't know
what the position is called exactly, but you get the idea: she's a higher-up)
and my brother-in-law and his wife are both "born again" (and also the pair who
are having the dedication). See, I imagine quite a few of you reading this are
already thinking, "oh, well... born again. Say no more!" As far as I'm
concerned, that's more the real deal than the "Christianity Lite" most of the
rest of the western world seems to go for... the glorified social club variety.
If you're going to believe, don't half-ass it. I mean, we're talking about the
word of god here, right? If you believe it really
is the
word of god, you'd probably want to take it pretty seriously... kinda like your
life depended on it, maybe. If not, what are you wasting your time for?
Anyway, I digress.
I really think that
it's not
just my in-laws. Back in my book-selling days (the week before last), I was
shocked at the number of Catholic schools up here--they're everywhere. I've
heard people
not my
in-laws talk about functions at their church... and
not people
I would ever have pegged as church-goers. I've made light-hearted religious
jokes and comments and felt the icy-cold stare of disapproval afterwards. For
instance last week while I was playing in the 8 ball league, a drop of water
somehow landed right in the middle of the tip of my cue... you know, the chalky
bit at the end. It looked a bit like blood, so I ran around the bar saying that
my cue had stigmata. It didn't go over
well.
Yes, Canada seems to be far more
churchy than the U.S... or at least Los Angeles. Hey, perhaps it's a prairie
thing. I imagine there must be more cynics in urbans areas. Smog'll do that to
you. I mean, how can you believe in something "up there" when you can't even see
more than a few hundred yards in front of you "down
here"?
Anyway, I was conflicted about
this dedication thing. I didn't want to be disrespectful--as I said up front:
believe what you want; that's fine with me. (Just, ya know... keep it to
yourself if you don't mind.) Also, the fact that I really like my "born again"
in-laws confused the issue further. They're very nice (obviously god-fearing)
people who, ironically, I agree with on more issues than not. At the same time,
though, how could I possibly attend a ceremony I fundamentally disagree with
even though I'd be the only family absentee if I didn't go? I don't attend
pagan animal sacrifices, voodoo rituals, Catholic mass, I don't believe in
female circumcision or stoning people to death, and I haven't made the trip to
Mecca either. Ritualism is ritualism however many gods you pray to or what you
have to wear while you do it. (A brief observation, here: Polytheism=loose
cotton. Monotheism=poorly cut
polyester.)
Now I didn't even know if the
procedure was going to be a baptism-type thing or what, but it didn't
matter--I'm opposed to the entire Chrstian-Judeo premise. The fact that I look
at the world around me and think "nope, can't just be an accident" lends no more
support to a several thousand year old, mythology-based belief structure than it
does to the idea that a few particles collided one day and bingo: primordial
ooze that would one day produce Britney Spears, Happy Meals, and toxic waste.
(That actually supports the "colliding particle" theory 'cause they're all made
of the same stuff.) Mankind has been batting around the "where did we come
from" question since we were still hitting ourselves in the head with rocks...
and you know, an awful lot of theories have been put forward in that time. And
you know what else? A lot of them made more sense than angels, water to wine,
walking on water, other assorted water tricks, and a benevolent, all-powerful,
heavenly being who created us with a need for rational explanation and then
said, "neener neener, you're not gettin' one. Just go with me on
this."
I think the atheists are just as
screwy, too. The fact is that there's no clear evidence either way--whether you
choose benevolent creator, cosmic accident, or even the more current 'tweener
explanation intelligent design, you've got to make a pretty massive leap of
faith. Thunder might well be the anger of the gods, or it might just be static
discharge in the atmosphere. We've moved on. The earth might be the centre of
the universe, or it could just be part of a larger system of planets and
galaxies. We've moved on. When are we going to move past one of the world's
few remaining superstitions and start thinking rationally and for ourselves?
Okay... enough already. I think there
was a guy
called Jesus, and I think he really shook some stuff up. I also think that
everyone grabbed the wrong end of his stick and are still flogging themselves
with it.
The service started out with
songs. There's one particular lyric I remember that read: "O beautiful cross,
bid me come and die." I was feeling uplifted already. This was followed by
church announcements about bake sales, upcoming functions, etc. which was then
followed by the youth leader who was
very
excited and all smiles. "We've got the best teens in the world, here!" he
shouted which was followed by whoops and hollers. The kids had made stools for
the seniors 'cause, apparently, seniors find it difficult to produce their own
stools. Who knew. It was a nice gesture. After that, more songs and then
finally, the sermon.
For those of you who
have seen "Little Miss Sunshine", think back to Greg Kinnear's delivery when
he's talking about the "12 Steps to Success" in the opening of the movie. I
swear he modelled his character after this preacher. (For those of you who
haven't seen the film, go and see it!) I almost laughed openly when he said
"creataaaar". (No, I didn't misspell that--it's phonetic.) Why do they all
have the same slick, used-car salesman mannerisms and push-and-pull vocal
undulations? The whole thing was like a scene out of a Christopher Guest film
("Waiting for Guffman", "Best in Show", "A Mighty Wind") with its disingenuous
sincerity and overly emotive, overly passionate over-enthusiasm. During the
sermon, there was a period of communal prayer for those in attendance who needed
to be prayed for and, to be honest, they really did look like they needed it.
The phrase "walking wounded" springs instantly to mind. Towards the end of the
sermon, my son was possessed by the Holy Spirit and needed to be removed to an
antechamber. I took him out to the lobby where we observed the remaining few
minutes from a safe and objective distance. When they sang a cappella at the
end, I was sure they were about to don their robes and sacrifice something.
Isn't that what follows most incantations? The song and its performance had
that drony, secret society quality to
it.
Later in the day, my brother-in-law
voiced his disapproval of the sermon which was about the apostle Andrew and
Jesus's admonition to his disciples to become "fishers of men"--your standard
proselytising stuff. (The exact phrase the preacher kept using was "encouraging
them to Christ".) The funny thing is that having been raised a fundamentalist
Christian and being quite familiar with the bible, the content of the sermon
hadn't struck me as being at all unusual. There are two primary tenets of
Christianity: believing Jesus was the son of god who died for our sins and
spreading his word. What's wrong with grabbing one of those core beliefs and
beating your congregation over the head with it? My brother-in-law's objection
was that the preacher knew there would be a largish group of non-church-going
family members there for the dedication and that the preacher shouldn't have
taken the opportunity to try to increase his client base. But that's what
Christians do! I present as Exhibit A: South America, Exhibit B: Central
America, and Exhibit C, Africa. Speaking of
which...
... one last note on my church
experience: We were given some handouts on our way in. One of them was
advertising a Christian Ugandan childrens' choir which is making its way across
Canada and will be singing and dancing at their church in November. There was
one line in the pamphlet that really struck me as
odd:
"Uganadan children are
well-known for their dancing abilities and musical
talents."
Is it just me, or does that
sound all wrong and outdated? I thought the attitude that "coloured folk sure
can sing and dance" went out with the Jim Crow laws. Perhaps I'm just
over-sensitive to racial overtones because I met my first, card-carrying,
certified racist a couple of weeks ago--born and bred in Alberta...
white
Alberta. I'd never met anyone like him before. He told me that his problem
with the KKK is that "they're a bunch of disorganised hillbillies", and then
continued, "someone needs to show them how to do it right." My wife is
insistent that the guy is just an aberration--not the norm up here--and that I'm
reading far too much into the comment about Ugandan kids. I don't know; I'll
let you be the judge.
At any rate, I
decided in the end to go to the dedication after realising that I'd definitely
go if my in-laws were buddhist or taoist or hindi because
that would
be interesting and probably unusual. Clearly it had more to do with a bias
against Christianity... although not Christians! Some of my best friends are
Christians. Some of my best friends are gay, too, although they tend not to be
Christians (although generally speaking, they
can sing
and dance as well as Ugandans). As I sat there in the church, I started feeling
guilty for all of my deliberations. My in-laws know how I feel about religion,
and yet they still wanted me to be at an event involving one of the most
personal things in their lives--their faith. The ceremony was about them and
their son, not me, and frankly, I ended up feeling quite honoured to have been
included.
... and you know, I'll probably
go and see those Ugandan kids. I hear they sure can sing and
dance!
Posted: Mon - October 23, 2006 at 10:22 AM